What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 01.07.2025 04:01
She was in good health!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
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Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
One cannot live in the past .
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
All the time i was locked up.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
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Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
When she asked me how she looked .
She wouldn,t have been !
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He was dying to do it , i knew.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
But, we were locked up after school.
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Im dying but, im not bitter.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
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Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Would this be the day?
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
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I never cut or harmed myself..
But it wasn’t much.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Who then, do I blame.?
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Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
It was going to be , some day.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
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Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
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My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
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We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
She married twice! .
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I had hoped to write a book about this .
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Teens like me, what are your expectations when entering adulthood?
My life is so biszare .
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I said to her
Comes on , in middle age.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
So whats the point in blame.
I was 9 years of age.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I was scared of men, in general
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I was seconnd youngest,
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Ive learnt so much.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
This is soul school!.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
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You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Put me off passion for life!!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I waited trembling.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I will be 64.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Was to survive, this bastard.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
And i lived it daily.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
She found it foreign!.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I could never make a relationship work though!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Im still living with it.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
He knew the spot.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I have no regrets .
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
He resisted the act ,that day.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
So, i spoilt her more .
They are buried together, in the same grave..
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I write beautiful poetry .
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
She loved him until the end.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
We all went to grammer schools
As i do to all so called friends.?
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
(And it was in our own minds.)
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
We were not on the streets..
But ive been too sick for many years..
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I was very sick at this time too.
I don,t even have a pension.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
What did i know ?
Especially a lifetime of it.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I think the readers, may guess!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
My family never makes their pension either.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I couldn’t, believe it.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..